Part II

I have been taking progesterone for about seven months now. After several weeks of testing different doses and other supplements, i found which worked for me and finally, after long last, am feeling like my old self again. For me the fix was not a quick one but don't let that detour you. Your endocrine system is like a line of dominoes, once one goes, it brings down the whole line. My body had gotten to a point where my other systems needed help too. I plan to give all the intimate details of my trials and errors but i am excited to let everyone know that it is now time for me to move onto Part II of my project program.

Now that i have told about where i have been and how i came to be where i am now, i want to tell about how I'm going to get where i want to be. When i started this blog i was still trying to get my hormones under control. I feel like i have accomplished that, so now i am excited to take on my other physical problems. As of today, i am 250 lbs and a pant (tight) size 22. The depressing thing is that i have never been this big even when nine months pregnant!

My plan is this, i will follow a Body for Life 12 week program three times in a row only with certain adjustments, I will be eating gluten free (i have a whole entry planned to talk about this subject later).

*check it out at www.bodyforlife.com*

The first 12 weeks will be aimed toward healing. My body has been like a runaway train for the past four years and even though i feel like i have got the breaks fixed, it is still going to take some time for it to slow down and get into reverse. Progesterone and supplements go a long way in healing hormone problems but they cant do it alone. Diet and exercise absolutely need to be a part of the equation for it to work. During this 12 weeks, my focus will not be necessarily on weight loss (i actually don't expect any for the first several weeks, but i would love it if i did!) but more on giving my body the nutrition and exercise it needs to gain back energy and balance.

The second time will be geared toward loosing the fat that i have gained over the past few years. My goal will be to get back into the many clothes i already have in my closet that i don't fit into presently. Ideally, i will be back into a familiar size 14-16 by the end of this section and then i will feel like i can pick up where i left off.

The third time will be to reach my ultimate. To finally have a flat tummy, to go shopping for "on the rack" clothes, to not have trouble moving around and be able to physically do all the things i have always wanted to and to look HOT in a swim suit! By my birthday in December, i would like to at least be a size six.

All of this i hope to accomplish in the 290 some odd days i have left on my project countdown.

Last December i turned 30. I wont lie, for a little while i felt a bit freaked out. I just felt like "where did my twenties go?" Well, they went by the way side as i had two pregnancies, changed a lot of diapers and went crazy. I decided right there and then not to let the next ten years of my life slide by in a fog, i was going to have my "twenties" in my thirties. I'm glad i had my children when i did because now that i have my brain back i can do so many fun things with them! I am looking forward to having energy to run and play with them and teach them to dance and go horseback riding with them. I am looking forward to being a fit and healthy role model for my girls.

I am looking forward to being the "old" Vanessa for my husband, the best friend that he fell in love with back in high school. Out of the eight and a half years that we have been married i have been mentally/hormonally stable for only about 18 months of it, and about half of that time he has had to be away from me! (yes, i know, he is a good man) He has been so supportive and helpful in me getting back on track. It has not been easy at times for us to be intimate because even if i was in the mood, it is hard to feel sexy in a body that feels so heavy and cumbersome. I am fortunate to be married to a man that loves me for me and has never made me feel bad about my body and has always found me beautiful, but i am looking forward to having a body that i feel sexy in and to be as there for him as he has been for me.

In the end, that is what this healing is all about. I long to be physically fit but not without the mental and spiritual well been to go with it. One depends upon the other and they are designed to complement each other.

That having been said, my ultimate goal is to be a size 6. I actually don't care how much i weigh when i get to that point, as long as it is healthy. A lot of people get caught up in the scale but because i plan on having a lot of muscle definition, i will most likely weigh more than other girls of that size.

Muscle weighs more than fat, we hear that a lot but it is true. Case in point, my collage room mate was always pretty thin, soft but defiantly not fat, i think she was a size 7. After graduating collage she joined the Marines. She told me that after boot camp she had gained 20 lbs, but had shrunk to a size 4! I realize that i have a lot of fat to get rid of before my muscles comes into the weight picture, but i just want to be clear that I'm not going for "be as skinny as i can be!" and letting the scale dictate what that is. I have spent a large part of my adult life being unhealthy and have no intentions of trading one problem for another.

I feel my biggest challenge right now is just waking up my body to movement. During the past several months i have had to keep a pretty sedentary lifestyle to keep my anxiety under control. Lots and lots of sitting. I usually consider myself a pretty strong woman but have as of late found my self not being able to do things that have always come easy to me. Like opening jar lids or walking long distances.

I have come to the startling realization that there is no cap to my possible weight gain. There is no point at which your body says "oh, all full, there is no possible way anymore fat can be stored here". In fact, there is always room for more. My body will grow as large as i allow it to. It was a shock to me when i had to get a size 20 and i thought that that was the largest i would ever get, until i had to buy a size 22.

It is true that i could say "this wasn't my fault", i honestly did try to lose weight, several times without success because of my hormone problems. I can honestly sympathise with anyone who has had that frustrating experience, it is possibly one of the worst feelings in the world. On the other hand i have to take responsibility for my actions, i sure didn't do myself any favors in my diet quite often.

Now that i feel able, (and that is where anyone has to start) i am ready to give changing my body another try. I am both frightened and hopeful. Frightened because i have failed so many times before and because i have never had to start from being this out of shape before. You could say i am at the bottom of my barrel. But i am hopeful because now i have answers where there were none before and mentally i feel more clear than i have in a long, long, time.

Like i mentioned before, this blog has several purposes and one of them is to keep track of my progress. From now on, my posts will end with updates on my diet and exercise progress. Thank you to all my friends who read my ramblings, your support means more to me than you can ever know and i will do my very best not to let you down!

P.S.
It is part of the Body for Life program to take 'before and after' pictures. So here i am today, in all of my 250 lbs of glory. Because i love you so much, I'll spare you the picture of me in a bikini, but you still get the idea, it is time for a change.