My thoughts about antidepressants

I am still not sure how I feel about antidepressants and I will tell you why. On one hand, I don’t think I could have survived with out them. On the other hand, they left me with some lasting horrible side affects.

Not long after I started on Effexor, Jim left for a nine month tour in Iraq. Being so far apart for so long had its very lonely moments, especially near the end, but all in all it was a good period in my life. Now that I wasn’t acting so crazy I was free to have a wonderful time with my girls. We had a nine month girls party! we ran through my house in just our underwear, watched Barbie movies while doing our nails and had pajama parties. I was able to get them two little ponies and teach them how to ride and in the summer we did a lot of traveling. By keeping ourselves busy and recording it all to send to Jim, who was so far away, we were content enough to visit with Jim over the phone and over the webcam.

I was hopeful that during this time I would be able to finally loose weight and Jim would come home to a happy and healthy me. I was on a very small dose of Effexor, the starter dose in fact, because anything more than that made me sleepy all the time. (for a week I was not able to get out of bed because I was just too tired, even with the small dose I was groggy and needed lots of sleep to function well but it was manageable)I started working out and eating right again but it was not to be. My weight did not budge. the good news, though, was that I didn’t get any bigger.

I was grateful that I was given a mental break. like I said before, I don’t think I could have gone through Jim's deployment without the Effexor but it was just that, a break. A few months before Jim came home I started noticing my anxiety coming back. Finally the drug was not working at all. I talked to my doctor about switching to a different antidepressant, Wellbutron.

Anybody who is considering taking Effexor needs to know this now: it is a BEE-OTCH to get off of! And its not just me, from reading other forums of people who have taken it or are taking it, it is one of the worst ones to try to get off of. One man in particular has been on it for ten years simply because he cant get off of it!

Most antidepressants fall under SSRI (Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors) These drugs make your brain produce more and receive more serotonin, the chemical in your brain that is responsible for making you happy, among many other things. So that you don’t hurt yourself, you need to be winged onto and off of these sorts of drugs. if done too quickly your brain starts going through major withdraws and that can have horrible physical consequences.

Case in point, when the girls and I were visiting my mother in California that summer, I went through a five day period that I was not able to get my prescription refilled. I was able to stave off some of the craziness for a few days by taking very high amounts of vitamin B, but eventually I started suffering sever withdraws. I started shaking uncontrollably. It sacred the poodle-doo out of my poor mom and with the both of us unable to come up with any other option, she called the ambulance and had me taken to the hospital. Why they didn’t just give me some Effexor, I don’t know, but with a combination of benadril and morphine in my blood, I was able to sleep through the rest of my withdraw until the wal-mart pharmacy opened the next day. Once I was able to get back on my normal dosage, I was fine, but like I said, not for long.

With the Effexor no longer effective, I started to wing off of it and onto the Wellbutron but it was not so willing to let me go. I was able to go off of Prozac in a little more than a few days, and I didn’t even notice the change. the recommended time to wing off of Effexor is two weeks of lowering your dosage and lengthening time between dosages. it took me two months to get off it, not even to get off it but to get onto a different drug that did pretty much the same thing! The Wellbutorn never helped me as much as the Effexor did but it did take the edge off of the depression. (Eventually that stopped working as well.) During that time I even went through withdraws. I had headaches and muscle aches and I started shaking again.

A lot of people think that what I mean by 'shaking' is like a trembling of the hands or a shiver. Nope, this is a full body convolution. When the shaking didn’t go away after several weeks of being off of the Effexor I saw my doctor. He didn’t know what was going on with me so he sent me to a neurologist. He looked me over really good and sent me to get a lot of test done. I got an MRI and an EEG. They both came back saying that I was completely normal. The neurologist didn’t know what was wrong with me so he did nothing. I was not having epileptic seizures. Apparently to have an actual seizure, you have to not be able to keep your mental faculties. I shake and convulse but am completely aware of who I am and what’s going on.

So that was that. I lived with it. I noticed that it always was set off when I got stressed (like around my period) but it would come and go seemingly without any provocation as well. it would happen as I was driving or as I was working as a dance instructor and a lot of the time as I was laying down to sleep. I also noticed that it could be set off by loud noises and flashing lights. It wasn’t until just earlier this week (that is just over a whole year that I have been living with it)that I finally found out exactly what it was.

I was having a particular hard time with it and Jim sat down and dug through a bunch of internet info and forums. we found a person that had been on Effexor and was suffering from 'myoclonus'. We were like what the heck is that? so we looked it up. Myoclonus is "is brief, involuntary twitching of a muscle or a group of muscles. It describes a medical sign and, generally, is not a diagnosis of a disease.....Myoclonic jerks may occur alone or in sequence, in a pattern or without pattern. They may occur infrequently or many times each minute. Most often, myoclonus is one of several signs in a wide variety of nervous system disorders such as multiple sclerosis, Parkinson's disease, Alzheimer's disease, Subacute sclerosing panencephalitis and Creutzfeldt-Jakob disease (CJD)" Wikipedia.

There are several kinds of myoclonus, mine falls into the stimulus sensitive kind. almost always it is brought on by a trauma to the brain or spinal cord via chemicals or physical injury. Digging a little deeper we found that myoclonus is listed (although very deep in the paper work) as a side affect of Effexor. how long is this "side effect" going to last? I don’t know. we have found people that have been living with it for years.

I am not sure why I picked it up. it could be that I have always been prone to it. I have had restless leg syndrome (a type of myoclonus)since I was eight but this is what I think is most likely to have happened. I think that during my withdraws that summer I experienced serotonin syndrome witch is when a pool of serotonin backs up in your brain because there is nothing to uptake them. at that point serotonin becomes toxic and it can be fatal. My husband and I think that is likely how my brain nerves got shot and stayed shot after I got off of the Effexor. I don’t know what the doctors think, I still don’t know why the doctor that prescribed it, the one that saw me shaking, the psychiatrist they consulted with over my medication withdraws and the neurologist couldn’t tell me that what I was experiencing was myoclonus and that it is a side effect of Effexor and almost all SSRIs!

So do I regret antidepressants? Yes, especially now that I know the real problem was the major depletion of progesterone in my body. Could I have done without them? No, the break from madness that it gave me I could not have done without. It is a classic tale of 'I wish I knew then what I know now'.

Do I think antidepressants have a place in the world? I would have to say yes, there are valid issues of the brain that need some chemical action (although I am disposed to think that there are hormone issues there as well). But over all, I think that they are given out too, I wont say freely, but commonly. women, like me, are going to their doctors for help and given a catch-all band aid for catch-all craziness. they don’t try to look deeper. Eventually the "band aid" gets worn out and stops working because it was never the right fix for the problem to begin with. some people go through several different antidepressants or a combination of them, all the while living with the gosh-awful side effects, that for me, I don’t know if they are better or worse than the problem in the first place!

All I can say in the end is that I am grateful that God has answered my prayers to find the root of my problem and cure it. And as He usualy dose, He did it in the most unlikely of ways.

PS
I had my husband record me in a stimulus enduced fit of myoclonus. He flashed a flash light at me and this is what happend.

my trip to crazy town.

Any body who is anybody knows that my daughter Emily was made out of sugar that looks like Jim and Mercedes was made out of spice that looks like me. They are the kind of children that you see in old black and white tv shows like 'leave it to beaver' or 'bewitched'. they are cute and funny and wholly adorable, even when they are getting into trouble.

Now they do occasionally have to have time outs and sometimes I do have to remind them who is actually in charge, but I get the "now that’s good parenting" compliment a lot more than I think I deserve. my children are naturally good natured and well behaved and have been an incredible blessing in my life.

I love my children. it is important for everyone to know that because I am going to be perfectly candid in my description of what sort of mother I was during this time period. it is not something I like to talk about because I am ashamed of it and because it is so far removed from the real me. those of you that know me may have a hard time picturing me going through some of these scenarios, but they are true.

Understanding that I had an adrenal problem was my first look into hormonal health. suspecting the hormones from my IUD to be part of it and not wanting anything to get worse, I had it removed. my husband and I now only use barrier methods as a contraceptive, birth control hormones will never touch me again.

By the time we moved to the city my fainting goat spells had mostly resided, but other things came into play. the worst anxiety and depression I have ever had in my life! now remember, my depression was in the "scary, possibly fatal" categories while pregnant. this was not a pretty time for me.....or anyone near me.

It started out slow, I didn’t notice it at first. the move had been stressful and family life had been stressful and my health had been stressful....so it was no surprise to me that I was feeling stress. I had also been grumpy and depresses but it never went away it just got worse.

At first it seemed that it was a really bad, long pms. every month my "pms" got worse and lasted longer. first it was a week of weepiness and grumpiness before my period. then it became a lot of yelling and screaming at everything and depression while eating the entire kitchen two weeks before my period. then it morphed into insomnia, murderous mood swings, headaches, crazy binge eating, no libido and sobbing for no reason for the three weeks before my period. When you get to a point where the only remote sense of sanity happens while your on your period, your condition is no longer just "a bad pms".

It was like my mind was broken. I could logically say to myself "what the hell is wrong with you?" but not be able to control my reactions to normal life. I had to constantly separate myself from the girls so that I didn’t yell at them and spank them over stupid things. their beautiful little happy noises as they would play made me angry, so angry! I would yell and yell. not just the 'hey, you, get off my porch' snapping but the super psycho, in your face 'no more wire hangers!' type yelling. I would scream at my little girl to stop her crying. I couldn’t stop the venom from coming out of me even as I saw it happening. telling my children that I loved them came out in a harsh, angry "I love you!" (how is that for mixed signals?)



My anxiety was so high that I could not sleep. a typical evening went like this: Put the girls to bed at 8:00. I would yell at them (because I was incapable of speaking calmly or nicely) that I loved them and that they really needed to stay in bed (they had a habit of squeezing some more awake time by asking for drinks and by coming into the living room at least twice, each, fore extra hugs and 'I love you's') because I loved them and didn’t want to spank them or yell at them. I would explain to them that I was feeling 'nervous' and that they should leave me alone. I would actually be trembling with anxiety by the time I got to the couch. the only thing that helped me unwind was to binge eat (I’m talking a whole quart of ice cream in one night, on top of dinner and snacks) and watch TV for six straight hours. Jim would come home from work and have the good sense to bypass me completely and go straight to the computer and then to bed. (the few times he didn’t, im afraid I had to rip off his head for disturbing my stress coma) around two or three in the morning I would be tired enough to go to bed and be able to get a fitful sleep.

It may be hard to imagine being that crazy, so let me help you. have you ever been driving down the highway, minding your own business and look up to see a cop's flashing lights in your rearview mirror where it wasn’t before? you know that constricting in the chest of "oh, no, what did I do?!" imagine that all the time, with a sense of forbidding doom, like something bad is going to happen or is just around the corner. lets add some depression to that. not the little 'im bloating so I don’t fit into my skinny jeans anymore' depression (although that was there too) but the 'someone I loved just died' heavy grief depression. I was also growing out of my clothes at an alarming rate. let me tell you, it is a sad, cold, horrible day when you discover that you have gotten too fat to fit into your sweat pants anymore.

Logically, I knew that if I wasn’t able to handle the basics of life, that something was wrong with me. I did a lot of research and tried a lot of different things. First was my tried and true method of diet and exercise. I would scrape energy from the bottom of my reserves to work out and diet. working out used to relief my stress but now it only added to it. when I didn’t see or feel the results I would get depressed and fall off the wagon. after I came out of the sugar and tv coma, I would get back on the horse but it was a vicious cycle. eventually I got to the point where the thought of starting an other diet-exercise plan made me run screaming to the refrigerator.

I came across Alyssa Cohan's book about eating raw. it made a lot of sense to me. the basics of living a "raw lifestyle" is that you eat nothing but uncooked, living, fruits, vegetables, seeds and nuts. this allows your body to detox, build up enzymes an heal your body of anything that may be wrong with it. I am not going to say a lot about it now,(I’ll have a lot to say about it later) but I will say that as I was doing research about it, it felt good. I followed it for several weeks but was unable to maintain it through my anxiety enough to reap the benefits of it. eventually I gave it up.

I tried a slew of herbal remedies and vitamins, non of witch, even if they had worked in the past, even took the edge off for me.

With more research I discovered that I could be suffering from PMDD, premenstrual dysphoric disorder (that is pms that is so bad it interferes with your daily life, I think I could check that box)I know better now, but at the time the only help I could find for that disorder was either birth control or an antidepressant. both I was loathed to consider. I didn’t want to do birth control because even though it was promoted to help women with PMDD, I knew how I was with synthetic hormones. even then I was willing to consider it if it would help with the hell that I was living in but when I read reviews of people using it and the horrifying effects it was having on them, I closed the door on that option for good.

My husband and I talked about getting on an antidepressant. I didn’t want to do it because of my last bad experience with it. I didn’t want to become a zombie, or loose whatever little bits of sexual desire I had left and I sure as heck didn’t want to add more weight gain to my already fat body.

*side tracked moment*
weight gain is a major side affect for most people on most antidepressants. a lot of them say that they would rather be fat and happy than skinny and depressed. personally I have only ever been fat and miserable. I don’t know that I ever really could be completely happy and fat at the same time. for me being fat is what keeps me from doing a lot of the things that make me happy. things like sex or dancing or horseback riding are a lot more fun to do if you are not the size of two (or three) normal people put together. this I know for myself and for a fact. I have often lamented the fact that my condition was the kind that made me fat. if I had to go through this torment why couldn’t it at least be the kind that made me waste away? ultimately I plan to be fit and happy but if I cant shake this mental anguish, I would be willing to give depressed and skinny a try.
*depressing thought over*

The night that I came to the conclusion that the risks of taking and antidepressant outweighed the mental hell I was going through, I cried. I had to finally fess up to the fact that I was not normal. that nothing I was doing was helping. I had to admit to myself that I couldn’t do it on my own and that I literally had to be crazy because I couldn’t cope with normal daily life. they were bitter tears.

Once I admitted to myself that my brain chemicals were wacky and that I was loopy and needed medication, I did my due research to find one that would have the least adverse affects on me in the categories of weight gain and sex drive. with a list of potential meds, I went to my doctor, together we decided on Effexor.

The difference was night and day. the first day I was on it I felt like a new person. I was happy, relaxed. I sat on the couch and flirted with my husband. he was literally shocked that I was coming on to him. for the first time in over a year, when my girls were playing, I smiled and laughed with them. Emily came and gave me a hug. looking at me she said "mommy, you’re not angry anymore." it broke my heart but it warmed it too. I was also glad that I was no longer angry.

Fainting Goats - Click here for more home videos

fainting goat syndrom

It took me the better part of five months from my accident before i was able to get back on my workout horse. Once i did, i was very excited about it. i knew i was destine to finally reach my goal of wearing a single digit size pant. I was excited, enthusiastic and.....my stomach was getting bigger.

How could that be? I was doing exactly what had worked for me before? After several months of not being able to work out and not gaining back all the weight i had lost, i couldn't understand why, when i was dieting and exercising again, my stomach was getting bigger! there were a lot of times i was afraid i might have been pregnant again because i had so many symptoms, feeling faint, sick and lethargic but i never was. So, i did what seemed the only logical thing to do, i worked harder and dieted stricter. It didn't help and other odd things started happening.

Before, when i was having such great success working out, it gave me energy for the day and it felt great, so that is what i expected. but things started to change. at first i just wasn't getting that pick me up that i had been getting before but eventually i found myself saving all my energy just so that i could work out.

Fainting goats are a curiosity of nature, i first heard about them from my college roommate. They are a particular breed of goat that when startled or scared have a specific uncontrollable physical reaction. their muscles go rigid, so they are stiff like a statue, then they topple over.

For me it started out suttle. at first i was just having major energy slumps, not being able to wake up and get out of bed, body feeling like lead and at five o' clock pm i was wiped out. then came the energy "drains" as i liked to call them. these would come upon me all of a sudden and without warning. i would be standing in the hall or putting groceries away in the kitchen and all of a sudden it was like someone pulled a plug in me and all my energy just drained right out. most of the time i didn't have the strength to make it the couch or bed. i would collapse into a heap where ever i happened to be and would have to wait it out before i could move again.

sometimes were worse than others. sometimes it would last for twenty minutes and other times for a few hours. i never lost consciousness, but at times i may as well have because i could not even muster the energy to call out for help. i really have to thank God that my young children were kept in safety because there were times i think only the burning down of my house could have motivated me enough to move. Then, as if that wernt enough, it got worse. Loud noises started triggering it and i started getting mean.

Just like a fainting goat, a loud noise or surprise would trigger a response in me and my muscles would turn to jelly and i would involuntarily crumble to the floor.

One of the things my grandma and i really love to eat is biscuits and gravy. every time she visits me i make some for us and i wasn't about to pass it up when she visited us that fall. It had been very hard for me to get out of bed, but i made a valiant effort and hauled myself into the kitchen to uphold our (that is just me and grandma's, not any of her other 13 grandchildren) special tradition. i had the homemade gravy going, i was almost done with the scrambled eggs and was ready for the processed and commercially packaged biscuits. I opened the can of biscuit dough, there was loud "pop", i felt my muscles go weak and had just enough time to put down what was in my hand before i was sprawled on the cold tile floor of my kitchen. Jim had to help me back to bed and i was able to enjoy breakfast several hours later.

One might see then, why i couldn't tolerate the laughing and playing of my little daughters but there was more to it than that. the sound of it made me angry and i had to banish myself to the far end of the house to keep from yelling at them all the time. it was like i was experiencing a really bad PMS. i was cranky, overly emotional, irritable and depressed. plus, no matter how hard i worked, my weight was not going anywhere. so i saw a doctor, again.

I had seen him before my whole hand fiasco because of the energy slumps i had been having. he ran some test and declared me perfectly healthy (except being overweight) and sent me on my way. (That was destined to become a common theme of all doctors that i would see in the future) I saw an herbalist after that who was able to recommend some vitamins that had helped me a lot then but not so much with what i was presently dealing with.

This time i went to him with an assurance that something was very wrong with me and he could tell me exactly what it was. He ran some blood tests to check my thyroid and ordered a glucose test to see if i was diabetic. they both came back with the results of a perfectly healthy and functioning person. nothing wrong. he suggested if i was still having problems i should do a sleep study. (no, i didn't see the relevance of spending money on that either) The herbalist was not able to help me this time either, so i lived with it.

I love how God answers prayers and gives blessings. Jim had been seeing a chiropractor. in a passing conversation, Jim told him of how i had been afflicted and that we did not know what it was. the chiropractor said it sounded like adrenal fatigue and that he thought he could help me.

Your spine holds a wonderful thing called a spinal cord. this cord connects all the nerves in your entire body to your brain, including the ones from your glans. i have found in my life that there are basically three ways your spine can give you pain. the first is an obvious misalignment. once your bones are back into place and off the pinched nerve, all is better. another way is your body is trying to tell you something. sometimes its emotional pain your body needs to release before it can be healed. in this particular case for me, my body was trying to tell me that something was not right with my adrenal glands. i was able to see for myself on a chart of where body organs correlated to the parts of the spine. the places that are connected to the adrenals were the exact parts on my body that had been hurting me for months, my neck and lower back.

The chiropractor adjusted me and gave me herbs to support my adrenals. after a time it helped. i wish i could say that it cured me, but if it had, this would be a short blog. but that it helped me was good, it was a welcome relief that i desperately needed because it was then that we moved to the city. That is also when i lost my mind. i completely drove off the logical map and became lost in evil-wench land.

the pumpkin, the knife and the needle

So there I was, losing weight, feeling like myself for the first time in over two years, having lots of energy and being an all around super mom. My kids were well taken care of, my house was always clean, and my husband had just returned home from his three month National Guard deployment helping with the Katrina aftermath.

It was October. I had sewn matching costumes for me and the girls and we were getting ready to celebrate Halloween. One of my favorite activities in the fall is to carve jack-o-lanterns. I harvest some of the meat from the pumpkin and makes pies to give to our neighbors and to have for breakfast the next morning. (I know, I’m a regular Martha Stewart).

It all started out so wonderful, it was a beautiful fall evening; we had chosen our pumpkins with care. The table was covered in news paper, ready for the squash carving. Light glinted off the serrated edge of our Cutco knife. Emily and I worked together, pulling the seeds and guts out of the pumpkin and soon it was ready for carving. Looking back on it now, I really have to admit that I deserved what happened. In the next paragraph, see how many mothering misdemeanors you can sight.

I was in a hurry because I had dinner in the oven, so I didn’t bother to wash and dry my hands. Covered with the slippery insides of the pumpkin, I picked up the extra sharp steak knife I was using to do the carving. The pumpkin was very thick, so I had it in a very tight dagger like grip, the blade facing upward because I was making an up cut. (I just counted 5) I don’t think you have to be psychic to guess what happened. I thrust my knife into the pumpkin, it got stuck, and my slippery hand kept going and slipped right off the handle and onto the serrated edge of the knife.
(I’m sorry if you feel a little nausea right now, recounting it has made me feel it as well.)

*national geographic moment*
The amazing thing is that it didn’t hurt right away. I knew what had happened and slowly looked at the damage that had occurred on my right pinky finger. The flesh was laid open deep, very deep. It looked like cut raw chicken, then it started bleeding.

Not wanting to alarm my children, I quietly wrapped it in tissue paper and informed my husband that I needed to go to the hospital. After a quick handing over of children to the neighbors, we landed in the local emergency room and then sat there for an hour and a half. This entire time I was really proud of myself for my superior control. I had been calm, collected and had not shed one single tear.

Finally the doctor was able to see me. he took a good look at it, declared that it was, in fact, a deep cut, that they see a few pumpkin related injuries each fall, and that all I should need was a few stitches. Then I informed him that I could no longer move the top part of my finger. "oh," he said, "yep, looks like you cut a tendon." apparently, there was nothing he could do for that, I would have to go to a hand specialist in the city, and that would take a few days to get an appointment. he put two stitches in my finger to keep it mostly closed but still not close all together before we could get it fully checked out. Then he put it in a splint and bid us good day.

I thought we were good to go until the nurse came in and said "I have to give you a shot, and it is going to hurt. Do you want it in your butt or your thigh?" Maybe it was the candid declaration that I would to have to have a shot that would hurt (don’t they usually lie about that sort of thing?) or that I would have to bear my buttock on demand to a complete stranger, but that was the precise moment that I lost it. I mean really lost it.

All of a sudden, the whole situation, mutilating my finger, the blood, sitting in the hospital while I needed help, not being able to move the top part of my finger, needing to get surgery, the guilt of adding to our financial stress and needing to get a shot that would hurt in my ass, all caught up with me. It started with a burst of laughter, followed by tears, and then before I knew it, I was laughing hysterically while tears streamed down my face with intermittent sobbing.

Jim looked like a rabbit caught in headlights. He didn’t know if he should try to comfort me or run. Eventually he decided on trying to comfort me. The nurse, used to these sorts of reactions I guess, nonchalantly put her pen back on her clip board and said she would give us a minute or two and left to go on her rounds. I continued with my bizarre behavior until the laughing died out and only the sobs remained. The people on the other side of our curtain were trying hard not to laugh at my outburst. It’s ok, it was funny, and I was pretty loud. Finally I was ready to accept my injection.

The nurse took aim at my ass with her syringe and..... "Oh, you bent the needle." that’s right, the rhinosaurus hide on my tucus bent her needle! So she had to go get a bigger one! And she was right; it did hurt, like a son-of-a-gun. It was a burning that spread all over my left butt cheek and stayed for several hours. Then I went home.

There were a lot of rise and fall of emotions over the next week. At first I thought I would be fine because I still had the basic use of my hand. I could still eat with my right hand and change Mercedes' dippers and I even took the kids trick-or-treating. Then we found out that my hand needed an expensive surgery that we didn’t know how we were going to pay for. Also, I would need twelve weeks of therapy afterward. Ok, ok, we said, we will get through this. I thought I should be able to keep up with everything I was doing until I woke up in the hospital after the surgery, not with a splint on my finger and a bandaged hand, but a cast that went from my finger tips to my elbow.

Everything that I had been working in went on hold. I had to learn to eat with my left hand, we had to go stay with my mother in law (if you cringe at the thought of staying in close quarters with your grumpy and easily stressed out in-law, you may have an idea of how that was for me) so that she could help me take care of the girls. (Mercedes' diapers? Not so easy to change now.)

I found out how useful two hands really are! I had a hard time making meals, and getting dressed and going to the bathroom. Someone had to help me take my contacts in and out (go ahead, picture it, it’s funny) I couldn’t even wash myself. I stood in the shower with my casted arm held high while Jim washed my body and sprayed off the suds. (Yes, I too am sure he did enjoy it)

It was not long before I was feeling pretty sorry for myself. One little mistake (ok, five) and one second had permanently disfigured my otherwise beautiful hand, cost us thousands of dollars and halted my progression toward health. Do you want to know what snapped me out of that real quick? I was at my therapy session, not looking forward to it because my therapist was a real drill sergeant, determined to get muscle tone back into my atrophied hand and to keep the scar tissue from sticking to my newly constructed tendon (she made me cry). As I sat at the table waiting my turn, I could see other patience going through various exercises for their hand injuries. Across the way was a young man having stitches taken out of what was left of his hand. I watched as his girlfriend held onto his one good hand during the painful process. I don’t know what had happened to him, but all that he had left of his fingers were four little stubs.

At that moment I realized that I had been an ungrateful little girl, and I repented right there and then. I had been so blessed, if my injury had happened even half a year earlier, the doctors could not have reattached my tendon. Do to the complexities of the fingers and hand it has taken doctors a long time to really understand them and the technology to do so was that brand new. I had friends and family to help me, even though it was not fun, the help was there. And more miracles and blessings, the hospitals I had had to go to forgive my debt because of our financial condition. I may not ever be able to fully straighten my finger again, but because of my awesome therapist, I can move the top part of my finger again and have full gripping power. (Your pinky is what makes it possible to grip things. go ahead and try, see how hard it actually is to grip a bottle with just your first three fingers.)

There is a relevance to telling you this story. This moment was sort of a cross roads for me. Even though my hand eventually healed, things were never the same for me after this point in my life. This is where the "crazy" part comes in.

You know, I believe that our lives are meant to have challenges in them. Otherwise how could we know good from bad and happy from sad? I believe God gives us challenges for our good so that we may grow and gain experience. I have come to thank God for the ones He gives me because I know he does it out of love and necessity. Like when I make my girls eat their vegetables or a nurse has to give me a burning shot of medicine. Like I have said before, sometimes I ask "why?" But the answer is I know God has a purpose for me going through this hormone hell, there are probably several of them. And I can accept that. He has never forsaken me. He knew it would not be pleasant for me, but that it would be nessisary for my growth as His child. At that point in my life, in my mind's eye, I can see Him coming to me and saying "Vanessa, daughter, I have to give you a shot and it is going to hurt. Do you want it in your butt or your thigh?"

a time of success

I believe there is more than one way to skin a cat. in basic weight loss programs the equation is this: decrease in caloric intake (diet) + increased body caloric burn (exercise) = body fat loss (smaller tummy). I cannot argue with this principle. when i was a wrangler we used this exact principle for the alpha horses that got more than their fair share of food. we put them in a different pen, fed them less hay and took them on extra rides. many an overweight woman has used this very principle to loose weight and keep it off. this is the exact principle that famous weight loss programs like Jenny Craig and Weight Watchers use. There are plenty of women that jive with this life style, and then again, there are plenty that don't. Like those horses, as soon as we reach a healthy weight, our time in the diet pen is over and we are released back into the corral to once again become alpha eaters.

The yo-yo diet affect is one that diet companies have come to rely on, it is their bread a butter, and it makes a lot of money. there is a lot of psychology behind all of this that i don't feel i have to go into right now. chances are that if you are reading this you have taken a ride on the merry go round of: I'm going to do it this time, deprive myself of the foods i love but are not healthy, put up with being hungry, yea! i lost ten pounds, I'm going to celebrate, crap! i gained ten pounds, now i feel horrible about myself, I'm going to do it this time!

Let me share with you my favorite way of skinning the weight loss cat. It involves eating all day long, eating balanced portions of carbs and protein, working out only 20 min a day and still being able to eat my "fun" foods, all while shrinking like a wool sweater in the dryer. Impossible you say? keep reading.

The Body for Life program was created by Bill Phillips. He was a body builder also looking for an easier, more affective way. He came up with a 12 week program of diet and exercise designed to get maximum results in the shortest amount of time, with the least amount of stress. sounds like my kind of program.

Now, if you could change your body by sitting on the couch watching tv and eating Ben and Jerry's, i wouldn't be writing this right now. You do still have to put in effort, but with this program the results come fast and easy and you can use it for always, no need to yo-yo.

Body for Life in a nut shell:

Diet: balanced portions (a portion being the size of your hand) of a healthy whole carb and lean protein and vegetables, six (6) times a day. yep, you eat all day long. One day a week you have a "free day" eat as much as you want of whatever you want.
Work Out: Alternating aerobics and weight training, using intervals to maximise results in only 20 minuets a day.

The science behind it:
Diet: eating six small meals a day keeps your blood sugar stable so that you don't have 'slumps and binges'. it also reves up your metabolism, making your body work for you. Eating a protein with a whole carb (whole carb being defined as a carbohydrate that has not been broken down or processed, i.e. whole grain bread, pasta, cereal and fresh fruits.) work in tandem for your benefit. the protein feeds your growing muscle and because it takes longer to digest, you stave off hunger for longer. the carbs give you energy and satisfy your cravings. having a free day takes away the stress of deprivation, because food is also meant to be pleasurable.
Work Out: exercise smarter, not harder. you will burn more calories by doing a short intense workout with intervals than going flat for hours. weight training builds your muscles, increasing your body's metabolism and natural ability to burn fat. alternating the days you do them allows your body to heal enough to build on instead to break down.

Why i love it
Diet: i never, never, never, go hungry. it takes a little bit of getting used to, but once you get the hang of it, you are amazed at how unbloated you feel, how you always have energy and no slumps, and how you don't feel like you are dieting at all. you are always eating nutritious and satisfying food. at first you are tempted to think that eating this way and all this food will surly make you fat, but trust me, your body loves it and will thank you for it.
having a free day is the best, i still get to have chocolate and ice cream or chocolate ice cream as the case may be, and as much as you want, make yourself sick! at first you are tempted to think that a day of full food indulgence will surly ruin all your hard work of the week, but it doesn't. the first time and maybe the second you will go all out, but it is truly amazing how fast your junk food tolerance level drops when you eat right most of the time. you will find yourself not being able to eat more than one peace of pizza while before it was the whole pie. or that a few peaces of candy do you in while you use to be able to eat the whole box. its a truly amazing concept. after a while i was eating junk food out of principle, because it was my day to do so, even though what i really wanted was one of my protein shakes. besides, there is nothing bumier than to be at a party and be the only one eating broccoli and nothing else. just use it as your free day and you can get down on those nachos with the rest of them.
Work Out: because i am a mother and feel like my time is precious to begin with, i don't feel like spending half the day, everyday, in the gym. the work outs are hard and intense. you will sweat and have sore muscles, but it only last 20 minuets! that is the time it usually takes me to have my morning potty break. and when I'm done, i have more energy than when i started. (after i get my breath back)

the other thing i love about this program, it is completely free. go to your local library and you can read his books, go to the website and you can print any thing you need to do it for yourself, from work out charts to meal plans and shopping lists. you can call the free hot line anytime for advise and support, or maybe even earn some money for yourself. every year he holds a competition with several categories for whoever uses his program. you can see previous champions and other success stories on his website. the results are truly amazing, just go take a look: www.bodyforlife.com . reading his book will tell you much more in depth about the program and how to get started and answer questions you may have. he dose have products you can buy to help you on your way, but they are not necessary. i did it all with a pair of sneakers, adjustable free weights and a balance ball.

when i started i was over 200 lbs and a size 20 in jeans. after 9 weeks (i didn't even do the whole 12 weeks) i was 180 lbs and a size 12. i felt awesome! I can not sing its praises enough, it is truly a life style that i can live with. and i would urge everyone to give it a look into and at least a try.

"so, how come you are still complaining about your weight and craziness?" you ask. well, the fecal matter had a run in with the air oscillator. it all starts with a story about a pumpkin, a knife and a needle.

a time of experimentation

It is normal enough to be tired and stressed and at your wits end as a young mother. Those of you who are now in said situation, i would like to validate you. it is not easy. Young kids are a handful, house chores are never ending, and sleep is never enough. All you need to know is that it is a season, and just like winter always melts into spring, the kids grow, you will get good at going with the flow, and ultimately the house work will get done one way or another. it will be over before you know it.

Thinking of it that way is how i got through. Also, seeing the blessings that come with your trials. During the day, the girls would always be clamoring for my attention, there was always work to be done on the "fixer upper" house we had moved into and my husband was always gone. But at night, when the girls were sleeping and looking like beautiful angles, i was grateful for them and the health they had. I was grateful for that our house was also a duplex. the tenants' rent saved our butt more than once. and even if i was alone most of the day, i was grateful for my husband who worked so hard for his family.

It was a stressful time, so i wasn't surprised that i was stressed, but i was also very tired a lot. i would have huge energy slumps and still, i was pretty fat.

When i was a teenager, the huge health craze was low fat everything. most everyone in my family has weight issues, so as a family we jumped on the band wagon. Susan Powder was our idol. She was a woman who had gone from fat to thin by cutting out fat and doing aerobics. With her we stopped the insanity! we ate low fat and worked out with her aerobics videos. and i was successful in shedding a few pounds. the problem was it got very boring very fast.

Fast forward to my young married years, the big craze, low carb! Atkins, South Beach, basically everyone was in agreement that carbs would kill you but on the other hand a ton of meat was awesome for your body. So i gave it a try. it didn't last long, after two weeks i was so hungry for bread, i could have killed for some. (plus i hadn't even lost weight) I was always cranky. ok, cranky doesn't really fully describe. lets try mean and angry, covered in hungry.

*rant moment*
I don't know anyone who actually loses a lot of body fat and keeps it off and is happy while on a low carb diet. i have known a lot of people who have lots weight with it, its true, but it is not a maintainable life style. As soon as they go off, their body sling shots and in most cases they gain back more than they lost. it is also very unhealthy if you do follow it for a long time. your cholesterol goes way up, your energy goes way down, and your body goes to crap and you run the risk of getting scurvy. yes, that is that condition that sailors a pirates got from being out to sea for too long. that is because low carb diets outlaw high carb fruits and vegetables like carrots, oranges, cantaloupe, apples and potatoes. vitamin rich carbs that you can not get from a side of beef. now, I'm no dietitian, but lets stand back and use common sense for a minuet. which is the healthier meal, cantaloupe and bananas or bacon with butter? more on this subject later.
*rant over*

I tryed it a few times and then finally gave up on it all together. I am a determined person, but that just wasn't my bag. my next desperate act? Diet pills!

I used a couple different kinds, the ones i had most success with was ones that killed my appetite. it was amazing! i felt so sick that i couldn't finish my bowl of cereal! it was awesome. i love that quote "mono is the best diet ever." i did actual loose 20 lbs. so, yea, but i was not one size smaller. dose anyone else wonder how you can lose 20 lbs and not be any smaller? well, ill tell you. when your body is starved, it will first flush water, after that it will burn fat for energy. you say, "isn't that the point?" well, yes, but here is the thing, your body uses it for energy, not nutrition. so after a couple days, your body goes, "I'm tired of eating fat" and starts eating your muscle, tissue that weighs much more than fat cells. that's right, you turn into your own cannibal.

that is why a person who is anorexic can technically also be obese. obesity is what happens when the fat on your body outweighs your muscle mass. the bodies of people who starve themselves are living off of their own muscle tissue. therefor, though they may be very thin, they actually have more fat than muscle.

It was a very frustrating time, i was trying all these things to get in shape but nothing was working. I got super confused by all the conflicting diet and weight loss information i was going through. I could count calories and be hungry a lot, i could cut out carbs and go crazy or i could go fat and sugar free and never have a sweet treat to help me through pms again. all valid techniques, but with hard to live with drawbacks. its not that i was lazy, i would try hard, i just didn't have energy to propel me after my initial bravado faded out. Also, i just couldn't see myself living with those restrictions. I thought i was using common sense but i honestly didn't know how i was supposed to eat or work out to get the results i desired. i didn't need to just drop a few vanity pounds before the prom, i wanted to change my body. Thank heavens i was turned onto Bill Phillips' Body for Life. It saved mine.