and then there was light....for a little while

Once i got my mojo back, i felt great! I was feeling good, looking good and doing good. Jim was done with boot camp and that was really good too (wink, wink). Yep, things were looking up. then i got pregnant again.

Let me express here that all my pregnancies were planned. i wanted to have another baby because Emily was a year old and in following the tight knit tradition of my family, (my mom had all eight of us in about eleven years)i needed to give her a sibling. So just like with the first one, i knew it was right and i knew it was time. but it was also one of those things where the minuet i knew i had conceived i said "oh, crap!"

I was scared! i remembered how off the deep end i had gone the last time and i was literally afraid for the life of my child, my unborn child and myself. Luckily i had a nurse practitioner who knew what to do, she put me on Prozac.

Now, i had been on the antidepressant before, when i was sixteen. My family had been going through a rough time, and at the time it was the brain candy of choice (Ritalin was also in its hay day). every one in my immediate family was popping them, so i said to myself, "what the heck, i get depressed now and then too" and started taking them. the entire time i was on Prozac i had no adverse reactions, in fact i had felt fine the whole time (imagine that). so, being assured that it was safe for the prego person, i had no problem taking the help that was offered.

After a while, the good news was that i wasn't yelling at my eighteen month old anymore, i wasn't angry or sad. on the other hand i wasn't happy either. those months passed in a non emotional fog, and unfortunately for my husband, that did not work in his favor. i wanted nothing to do with him, at all, ever. I didn't want him to touch me, look at me or smell me. in fact, that fact that we had to share a bed and i was forced to look at him and smell him was horrible. let me clarify, Jim has perfectly adequate hygiene. i was just pregnant and crazy. i remember talking to my mom, sobbing on the phone because i want sure if i was in love with my husband anymore because just being next to him was revolting. wise as she is, she assured me that in a few months, i would feel differently. Now, I'm not going to lie, all of this was very hard on our marriage. Jim was under a lot of stress and he is one of those men who need a lot of physical comfort to stay alive. dark times for both of us, dark times. And as time went on, i got worse.

One day we were in the kitchen bickering. i hadn't been letting him touch me because i couldn't stand it, and he was upset because he just wanted a hug. (yes, this is a true story people) In an escape attempt i brushed my arm against the door jam. It was just a little brush, but it hurt so bad that i burst out in tears. That is wen we started to understand. Jim saw it and assured me that that was not normal. he had been working as a pharmacy tec and so knew a bit about drugs and the affects. he talked to the pharmacist to be sure and we came to the conclusion that the extreme sensitive skin and absolutely no sex drive had been side effects from the Prozac. (the not liking the way anything smelled was pregnancy).

*rant moment*
Actually, it is more of an apology, to my sisters. wen we were all doing Prozac, i had no side affects on the drug, so i assumed that no one else should, heck i didn't even know there were any besides living a happy and jovial life. But while i was doing thus, my sisters slept, all the time. we couldn't get them up for school, and if they did get to school they spent a lot of time sleeping in the nurse's closet. (yes, the nurse had a closet that was dark and private and had a bed in it. i could imagine that had we not lived i mormonville, it would have been use more frequently by the teenagers.)Their lack of alertness, that i totally didn't understand, actually caused quite a bit of tension in the home. The point is that i understand now, and am sorry for what they went through, and how i treated them.
*rant over*

I decided to stop the Prozac because it was no longer outweighing the drawbacks, and i needed to to nurse my baby that would be borne in just a few weeks. The last few weeks of that pregnancy were the best. Remember how i said i was awesome at giving birth? one hour from the first contraction until she was being spanked by the doctor. All natural too, which, if you are not going to use pain killer, a one hour labor is the way to go. We had another beautiful daughter, Mercedes. this time i was sure to get a good latch on, and it worked, breastfeeding was no problem.

now that i had another pregnancy done and out of the way, i was ready to spring back into action and lose, that's right, another 60 pounds gained. knowing that i did not want to be pregnant again for a while, knowing that birth control pills were like death to me, and knowing that using barriers would be a pain to deal with, i opted for an IUD as my preventative of choice.

*national geographic moment*
An IUD is an intro uterine device. it is a little T shaped bit of plastic that the doctor inserts into your uterus. it sheds either small amounts of hormones or copper ions (depending on what kind you get) to prevent fertilization as well as thins the lining of the uterus to prevent implantation.

This form of birth control comes with a lot of perks. first, it last 5 to 10 years. second, it makes your periods lighter. Third, it gets put in and you can forget about it, no mess, no daily anything to remember. And best of all, my insurance payed for everything. I got the Marina IUD, which releases small amounts of hormones and lasts 5 years. i figured the pill was large amounts of hormones, and that was what was doing me in. small amounts right in my uterus surly would not have the same affect on me.

I breastfed Mercedes for the obligatory six months, than sat back and waited for my body to spring back like it did before. the problem was, it never sprang.

Part 1: In the begining.....

I guess i should start by saying that i found out too late how horribly synthetic hormones and i mix. weeks before i got married i started on a birth control pill, thinking a birth control is a birth control is a birth control, not even knowing much about how they worked. a few months into my marriage i felt horrible, all the time, and i didn't know why. i was depressed, angry, full of anxiety and had a hard time thinking. it was horrible and i had no clue what was going on with me.

Jim (my husband) and i decided it was time to start a family, i went off the birth control and immediately conceived. (my mom had eight kids, Jim's had nine, i knew i would be a fertile myrtle.) And just as immediately i became even more crazy, scary crazy, suicidally crazy. Now, some women love being pregnant, like some of my sisters, they are just good at it. They have cute prego bodies, they glow with maternal warmth and fall in love with the life within them. I'm not that kind of a women. i go absolutely nuts-o. i get majorly depressed, gain 60 to 80 lbs, can't get out of bed and like i said, suicidal. In the case of my first pregnancy it was literally the blessings of prayer and guardian angles that kept me from the edge. For me it is nine months of psychological hell.

Thankfully, what I lack during gestation, i make up for in delivery. only seven hours for my first one (as apposed to my sisters' 20 to 35 hours of intense labor) and i think it only took that long because the epidural slowed things down. Further more, i am blessed with the most wonderful children in the world. you may think i say this as a proud mother like any other mother who loves their babies, but it is absolutely true. Anyone who knows them will agree, yes, they are incredible. and lucky me, Emily (my first born daughter) slept through the night within the first few days of being brought home.

The only problem i had with her was breastfeeding. (and yes this dose have relevance to my hormone problems) We never got a proper latch on. (right now all the experienced mothers cringed and most of the others said "so?")
**warning, i am now going to go national geographic on you**
For a baby to properly latch on to their mother, their entire mouth must cover the nipple of the breast and close on the soft dark part called the areola. If you have ever seen a milk engorged breast and a tiny newborn baby mouth, you can probably guess how hard that is to actually accomplish. long story short, i developed blisters on my nipples. you read that right, blisters on my nipples. ones that had to be rubbed over and over again every twenty minutes for hours at a time. it was so horrible! Far from the image i had of a sweet bonding moment between mother and child, peacefully rocking in the rocking chair. i hated it! Emily would cry to be fed, i would lock myself i the bathroom to calm myself down from the anxieties from the impending torture, Jim would have to pry me out, and then i would cry from the pain of nursing. ah, the joys of being a first time mother.

One may ask, "why the heck did you put yourself through that!" One reason is that Emily wouldn't take anything but my blistered tit. no passies, bottles, fingers, nothing. Also, i was still crazy, pregnancy hormone woes don't end at the birth of your child (postpartum any one?) Another reason is that i had been filled with breastfeeding propaganda and was afraid that if i didn't give my baby the best start in life she would grow another head, her brain wouldn't develop and she would eventually end up in the backwater of society all because i didn't give her of my colostrum as a newborn.

*rant moment*
Ladies, i believe wholeheartedly in breastfeeding, it is the best start for your child and i am glad that i did. however, your child will turn out just as fine otherwise. it is true that formula has controversial origins, but many children today are still alive despite it. and don't feel guilty if you have to stop. i was pretty smug when my friend told me one day that she had given up breastfeeding after a week long bout with mastitis. that was until i had a rowe with it myself, it was possibly the worst 24hr of sickness in my life. i now do not blame anyone for giving breastfeeding up after something like that. also, it is better to love your baby than to hate them because they need your nourishment. as another friend's wise mother said, "when you start to resent your baby, it is time to wing."
*rant over*

I think that the number one reason i was determined to keep breastfeeding, even though it was selfish, was because i wanted to lose weight. We have all heard the stories. i didn't recognize my cousin after she had her baby because she was so thin from breastfeeding, thinner than she had ever been in her life. my sister in law breastfed herself into a size 2. breastfeeding burns a billion calories, it dose, and its awesome, unless you're me. i had gained a crap load of poundage that was not going anywhere.

I guess i should admit now that i am freakish about my figure. not that i have ever had a really great one, i have never been smaller than a size 12, but the goal is always there. and it hurts to have set backs and be pulled further away from your goal. Sometimes i get desperate about it, sometimes just depressed. The point is, that i was so huge after i gave birth that i vowed to myself never to complain about being a size 12 again. i wont complain, but i still want to be a size 4.

But here are that facts, i didn't drop a single pound, come fully out of postpartum depression or gain back my energy until after i winged Emily. I had made it until my goal of six months, and then kicked myself for not doing it sooner.

By that time, Jim had joined the National Guard and was at basic training. I took the opportunity to have an extended visit with my mom and sisters in Washington state. The week i stopped breastfeeding was like the week the sun finally came out from behind the cloudy Washington sky that had been dark for months. I woke up smiling, i had energy, i wasn't afraid of my baby's cry, i felt creative again and best of all, my waist was shrinking without any help at all. one day i tried on a pair of my old jeans and i couldn't fasten them, exactly five days later i tried again and they slipped right on and up. with no need for chemical birth control, and without my hormones trying to grow a life or produce milk, i finally felt like myself again. it was like an old friend had come back to be with me. i remember literally saying to myself "oh, hi Vanessa!"

Why im doing this

I would like to tell you my story, it has two parts. I am at a cross roads, so to speak. I have spent many years suffering with hormone imbalance and it is only recently that i feel i have found all the puzzle pieces i need to put myself to rights. So, first i would like to share with you my history, all the things that made me look at my health and say "what the hell is going on with me?" The frustration and failures and ultimately the paths that lead me to where i am now.

The next part will be a year long experiment on what i have learned, putting my plan to work. The point of this blog is a few fold. First, i feel a strong need to share what i know with the world. i am very passionate about this. the more research i do and the more people i talk to about it, the more my eyes are open the the fact that syndromes of low progesterone are extremely wide spread, affect women from their first period to past menopause and are largely dismissed, misdiagnosed and mistreated. In my very depressed moments i have often asked myself "why?" why has this happened to me? I feel inspired that it was because i have a freakin stubborn streak that wont allow me to put up and live with this crap (even if at times you can find me sobbing about my weight gain while eating ice cream and daring my husband to even try to touch me). i decided that as long as i could help even one person by my experiences come through to the other side of hormone hell, it would be worth it.

Secondly, i knew i needed to document my journey. It is really easy to forget how bad things really were last month or to stop taking a supplement because you don't realize how much it has been helping you. Pregnant women get "pregnant brain", PCOS women get "brain fog". Honestly, sometimes, i cant remember five minutes behind me or think five minutes ahead. I need to track my progression, and so should you.

Thirdly, i need to be held accountable to something. If i don't, my plan wont go past day two, and i desperately need to succeed. if you are reading this, thank you, you have just helped me on the road to Wellville.

If you are a woman who seams to have gone insane, lost her mind in a fog or anxiety frenzy, has gained weight, insomnia, bad skin, hair growth and don’t have the energy to deal with it, don’t worry! You’re not crazy, you’re just messed up. Having unbalanced hormones can reek havoc on you but most women don’t know that. They are forced, as I was, to come to the conclusion that they are certifiably crazy, but its not true! When your hormones are out of whack it can feel as if you have literally gone nuts. If you have ever wondered why you cant stop yelling, why you cant sleep, why you cant get out of bed, why the heck you cant you lose a single pound and why the doctors are still saying all you need is an antidepressant, maybe I can help. I have been suffering with low progesterone, PCOS, a burnt out adrenals and insulin resistance for over three years. Through research and trial and error I have created a plan to regulate my hormones, lose weight and become the woman I recognize as myself. Join me as I follow this plan and see if it can help you or someone you love as well.