Once i got my mojo back, i felt great! I was feeling good, looking good and doing good. Jim was done with boot camp and that was really good too (wink, wink). Yep, things were looking up. then i got pregnant again.
Let me express here that all my pregnancies were planned. i wanted to have another baby because Emily was a year old and in following the tight knit tradition of my family, (my mom had all eight of us in about eleven years)i needed to give her a sibling. So just like with the first one, i knew it was right and i knew it was time. but it was also one of those things where the minuet i knew i had conceived i said "oh, crap!"
I was scared! i remembered how off the deep end i had gone the last time and i was literally afraid for the life of my child, my unborn child and myself. Luckily i had a nurse practitioner who knew what to do, she put me on Prozac.
Now, i had been on the antidepressant before, when i was sixteen. My family had been going through a rough time, and at the time it was the brain candy of choice (Ritalin was also in its hay day). every one in my immediate family was popping them, so i said to myself, "what the heck, i get depressed now and then too" and started taking them. the entire time i was on Prozac i had no adverse reactions, in fact i had felt fine the whole time (imagine that). so, being assured that it was safe for the prego person, i had no problem taking the help that was offered.
After a while, the good news was that i wasn't yelling at my eighteen month old anymore, i wasn't angry or sad. on the other hand i wasn't happy either. those months passed in a non emotional fog, and unfortunately for my husband, that did not work in his favor. i wanted nothing to do with him, at all, ever. I didn't want him to touch me, look at me or smell me. in fact, that fact that we had to share a bed and i was forced to look at him and smell him was horrible. let me clarify, Jim has perfectly adequate hygiene. i was just pregnant and crazy. i remember talking to my mom, sobbing on the phone because i want sure if i was in love with my husband anymore because just being next to him was revolting. wise as she is, she assured me that in a few months, i would feel differently. Now, I'm not going to lie, all of this was very hard on our marriage. Jim was under a lot of stress and he is one of those men who need a lot of physical comfort to stay alive. dark times for both of us, dark times. And as time went on, i got worse.
One day we were in the kitchen bickering. i hadn't been letting him touch me because i couldn't stand it, and he was upset because he just wanted a hug. (yes, this is a true story people) In an escape attempt i brushed my arm against the door jam. It was just a little brush, but it hurt so bad that i burst out in tears. That is wen we started to understand. Jim saw it and assured me that that was not normal. he had been working as a pharmacy tec and so knew a bit about drugs and the affects. he talked to the pharmacist to be sure and we came to the conclusion that the extreme sensitive skin and absolutely no sex drive had been side effects from the Prozac. (the not liking the way anything smelled was pregnancy).
*rant moment*
Actually, it is more of an apology, to my sisters. wen we were all doing Prozac, i had no side affects on the drug, so i assumed that no one else should, heck i didn't even know there were any besides living a happy and jovial life. But while i was doing thus, my sisters slept, all the time. we couldn't get them up for school, and if they did get to school they spent a lot of time sleeping in the nurse's closet. (yes, the nurse had a closet that was dark and private and had a bed in it. i could imagine that had we not lived i mormonville, it would have been use more frequently by the teenagers.)Their lack of alertness, that i totally didn't understand, actually caused quite a bit of tension in the home. The point is that i understand now, and am sorry for what they went through, and how i treated them.
*rant over*
I decided to stop the Prozac because it was no longer outweighing the drawbacks, and i needed to to nurse my baby that would be borne in just a few weeks. The last few weeks of that pregnancy were the best. Remember how i said i was awesome at giving birth? one hour from the first contraction until she was being spanked by the doctor. All natural too, which, if you are not going to use pain killer, a one hour labor is the way to go. We had another beautiful daughter, Mercedes. this time i was sure to get a good latch on, and it worked, breastfeeding was no problem.
now that i had another pregnancy done and out of the way, i was ready to spring back into action and lose, that's right, another 60 pounds gained. knowing that i did not want to be pregnant again for a while, knowing that birth control pills were like death to me, and knowing that using barriers would be a pain to deal with, i opted for an IUD as my preventative of choice.
*national geographic moment*
An IUD is an intro uterine device. it is a little T shaped bit of plastic that the doctor inserts into your uterus. it sheds either small amounts of hormones or copper ions (depending on what kind you get) to prevent fertilization as well as thins the lining of the uterus to prevent implantation.
This form of birth control comes with a lot of perks. first, it last 5 to 10 years. second, it makes your periods lighter. Third, it gets put in and you can forget about it, no mess, no daily anything to remember. And best of all, my insurance payed for everything. I got the Marina IUD, which releases small amounts of hormones and lasts 5 years. i figured the pill was large amounts of hormones, and that was what was doing me in. small amounts right in my uterus surly would not have the same affect on me.
I breastfed Mercedes for the obligatory six months, than sat back and waited for my body to spring back like it did before. the problem was, it never sprang.
No comments:
Post a Comment