Part 1: In the begining.....

I guess i should start by saying that i found out too late how horribly synthetic hormones and i mix. weeks before i got married i started on a birth control pill, thinking a birth control is a birth control is a birth control, not even knowing much about how they worked. a few months into my marriage i felt horrible, all the time, and i didn't know why. i was depressed, angry, full of anxiety and had a hard time thinking. it was horrible and i had no clue what was going on with me.

Jim (my husband) and i decided it was time to start a family, i went off the birth control and immediately conceived. (my mom had eight kids, Jim's had nine, i knew i would be a fertile myrtle.) And just as immediately i became even more crazy, scary crazy, suicidally crazy. Now, some women love being pregnant, like some of my sisters, they are just good at it. They have cute prego bodies, they glow with maternal warmth and fall in love with the life within them. I'm not that kind of a women. i go absolutely nuts-o. i get majorly depressed, gain 60 to 80 lbs, can't get out of bed and like i said, suicidal. In the case of my first pregnancy it was literally the blessings of prayer and guardian angles that kept me from the edge. For me it is nine months of psychological hell.

Thankfully, what I lack during gestation, i make up for in delivery. only seven hours for my first one (as apposed to my sisters' 20 to 35 hours of intense labor) and i think it only took that long because the epidural slowed things down. Further more, i am blessed with the most wonderful children in the world. you may think i say this as a proud mother like any other mother who loves their babies, but it is absolutely true. Anyone who knows them will agree, yes, they are incredible. and lucky me, Emily (my first born daughter) slept through the night within the first few days of being brought home.

The only problem i had with her was breastfeeding. (and yes this dose have relevance to my hormone problems) We never got a proper latch on. (right now all the experienced mothers cringed and most of the others said "so?")
**warning, i am now going to go national geographic on you**
For a baby to properly latch on to their mother, their entire mouth must cover the nipple of the breast and close on the soft dark part called the areola. If you have ever seen a milk engorged breast and a tiny newborn baby mouth, you can probably guess how hard that is to actually accomplish. long story short, i developed blisters on my nipples. you read that right, blisters on my nipples. ones that had to be rubbed over and over again every twenty minutes for hours at a time. it was so horrible! Far from the image i had of a sweet bonding moment between mother and child, peacefully rocking in the rocking chair. i hated it! Emily would cry to be fed, i would lock myself i the bathroom to calm myself down from the anxieties from the impending torture, Jim would have to pry me out, and then i would cry from the pain of nursing. ah, the joys of being a first time mother.

One may ask, "why the heck did you put yourself through that!" One reason is that Emily wouldn't take anything but my blistered tit. no passies, bottles, fingers, nothing. Also, i was still crazy, pregnancy hormone woes don't end at the birth of your child (postpartum any one?) Another reason is that i had been filled with breastfeeding propaganda and was afraid that if i didn't give my baby the best start in life she would grow another head, her brain wouldn't develop and she would eventually end up in the backwater of society all because i didn't give her of my colostrum as a newborn.

*rant moment*
Ladies, i believe wholeheartedly in breastfeeding, it is the best start for your child and i am glad that i did. however, your child will turn out just as fine otherwise. it is true that formula has controversial origins, but many children today are still alive despite it. and don't feel guilty if you have to stop. i was pretty smug when my friend told me one day that she had given up breastfeeding after a week long bout with mastitis. that was until i had a rowe with it myself, it was possibly the worst 24hr of sickness in my life. i now do not blame anyone for giving breastfeeding up after something like that. also, it is better to love your baby than to hate them because they need your nourishment. as another friend's wise mother said, "when you start to resent your baby, it is time to wing."
*rant over*

I think that the number one reason i was determined to keep breastfeeding, even though it was selfish, was because i wanted to lose weight. We have all heard the stories. i didn't recognize my cousin after she had her baby because she was so thin from breastfeeding, thinner than she had ever been in her life. my sister in law breastfed herself into a size 2. breastfeeding burns a billion calories, it dose, and its awesome, unless you're me. i had gained a crap load of poundage that was not going anywhere.

I guess i should admit now that i am freakish about my figure. not that i have ever had a really great one, i have never been smaller than a size 12, but the goal is always there. and it hurts to have set backs and be pulled further away from your goal. Sometimes i get desperate about it, sometimes just depressed. The point is, that i was so huge after i gave birth that i vowed to myself never to complain about being a size 12 again. i wont complain, but i still want to be a size 4.

But here are that facts, i didn't drop a single pound, come fully out of postpartum depression or gain back my energy until after i winged Emily. I had made it until my goal of six months, and then kicked myself for not doing it sooner.

By that time, Jim had joined the National Guard and was at basic training. I took the opportunity to have an extended visit with my mom and sisters in Washington state. The week i stopped breastfeeding was like the week the sun finally came out from behind the cloudy Washington sky that had been dark for months. I woke up smiling, i had energy, i wasn't afraid of my baby's cry, i felt creative again and best of all, my waist was shrinking without any help at all. one day i tried on a pair of my old jeans and i couldn't fasten them, exactly five days later i tried again and they slipped right on and up. with no need for chemical birth control, and without my hormones trying to grow a life or produce milk, i finally felt like myself again. it was like an old friend had come back to be with me. i remember literally saying to myself "oh, hi Vanessa!"